by Kirk Navarro
“F*ck All Widow Mains!”
VATICAN CITY—We all remember when the Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church was approached to by a homosexual man who asked his Holiness if there was anything wrong with him, to which the Pope simply replied, “God made you this way…It does not matter.” His comment of acceptance both shocked and warmed the hearts of many in the LGBT and Christian communities around the world. One group of people, however, has been cursed by Francis “to forever burn in the deepest pits of hell”: people who play the character Widowmaker, a sniper and fan favorite on the popular online video game, Overwatch. Just last week, I’ve had the privilege to interview him on the matter. When questioned on why such bestowing a cruel fate awaited players of this French femme fatale, the Pope had this to say:
“The number of times I have been sniped by that baguette eating cunt from all the way across the fucking map is ungodly,” said his Holiness. “There have been so many games on king-of-the-hill maps where they don’t even stay on the point to defend it, but rather spawn camp my team until someone from my team rage quits. What kind of diseased, evil cocksucker gets off on this type of torment? Truly, they are beyond redemption in the eyes of our Holy Father.”
One can only speculate what future might await those who enjoy playing Widowmaker. Some may not care or some with more religious hearts may stop playing her altogether and seek their apparent unattainable redemption. But one thing remains true—Widow will definitely be seeing a lower pick rate by the next competitive season. I will continue to update when more information arises.
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